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7 Things Your Massage Therapist Is DEFINITELY Not Telling You

December 21, 2023



Massages are meant to be a tranquil escape, a break from the chaos of daily life where you’re p



ampered, soothed, and kneaded into relaxation heaven. But, have you ever wondered what’s really going through your massage therapist’s mind? Here’s a light-hearted look at 7 secrets they're probably hiding:


  1. Taco Tuesday Regrets: They’re only human, after all. Just like the rest of us, sometimes they indulge a bit too much the night before. If you hear an unexpected stomach growl, just know they're regretting that extra taco as much as you regretted your third plate at the all-you-can-eat buffet. Just pretend it's a new kind of "vibration therapy."

  2. The Professional Poker Face: Your hairy back? Those awkward tattoos? The little snore you let out mid-massage? They've seen it all, and you're not even the highlight of their day. They’ve perfected the art of the poker face, so even when you’re wearing those neon polka dot undies, they won’t flinch. Well, maybe a little inside.

  3. Soundtrack Silliness: You know those calming, soothing melodies playing in the background? They might be internally dancing to "Stayin' Alive" or lip syncing to "Bohemian Rhapsody". Hey, a therapist’s gotta keep things interesting during their 8th massage of the day.

  4. Superhuman Senses: They can tell you’ve slathered on that fancy new body lotion, and they’re wondering where you got it. Also, they know when you skipped a shower post-gym. They might not have X-ray vision, but their noses are practically superhuman. Keep them guessing (in a good way).

  5. Telepathic Time Checks: You think you’re sneaky, trying to squeeze an extra 10 minutes out of your session? They’re on to you. They’ve got that internal timer that would put a Swiss watch to shame. Remember, your 60-minute session means 60 minutes – not 61, you time bandit.

  6. Mystery Bruises: Sometimes, they’ll come across a random bruise and think, “Hmm, did I do that last time or is this from a rogue coffee table?” They’ll never say it aloud, but they’re mentally drafting an apology just in case.

  7. Caped Crusaders: By night, they're just your regular Joe or Jane. But by day, with that bottle of oil and those expert hands, they're pretty much superheroes. Melted away your stress? Check. Fixed that knot in your back? Check. Gave you the best nap of your life? Checkmate.


In all seriousness, massage therapists are skilled professionals dedicated to making you feel better. They put up with our quirks, our bodies in all their glory, and they do it with grace. So, next time you're on their table, perhaps leave a little tip for their "telepathic timer" services. They’ve earned it!

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